Practicing Resurrection: Working the Steps– Step 10, Part 2

And am I overthinking this?  And if so, what is my reason for doing that?

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   “I don’t understand why people think they can say such rude and cutting things to you,” a weathered West Texas ranch woman said to me one day.

“You shouldn’t let people talk to you the way they do.”

The truth is that “letting people talk to me that way” was part of my codependency.  Upon long reflection and the help of my sponsor and a skilled and caring analyst, I began to see how I had been set up to act in such a way that I drew people to me who had a need to “talk to me that way”.  This blog isn’t the format for explaining how that character defect developed over my lifetime or to lay out all the ways that behavior contributed to some deep insecurities.

Working the program with a sponsor who was neither afraid to hear whatever my 4th and 5th steps brought forward nor hesitant to speak the truth to me in a firm voice.   I was never afraid to ask her to help me see the truth about myself because I knew that she longed for and prayed for a “return to sanity” for me with every fiber of my being.   She never did for me what she knew I must do for myself, but she stood with me while I flailed and faltered.  She propped me up on the leaning side until I could stand to do my own daily inventory.   She loved me toward God, encouraging me to speak the truth in love only to myself, giving up my self-judgment and self-censoring, even when someone else had shredded me with judgement and censure.

And what is a huge part of my recovery?   Recovery means that I accept the mercy and grace of a God who stands ready to forgive me.  Recovery is working only my lane in life, doing my inventory consistently and with radical honesty and uncommon patience.

Recovery for me is a lifelong learning curve toward wholeness, but I have to do it only one day at a time, one hour at a time, one breath at a time.  And yes, it is hard to fall from grace in my own eyes, but it doesn’t have to be fatal.

Recovery is a joint venture.   I do my part.  God does God’s part.  And others do their part, for the good or for the painful.

The 10th Step may be hard, but recovery is a lot harder without it.

2 replies
  1. Marguerite Mchard
    Marguerite Mchard says:

    Jeanie,
    I was reading your most recent blog this afternoon. I so appreciate your honesty and wisdom, especially during these difficult times. Thinking of you and hope you are safe & well.

    Marguerite

    Reply

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